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The Sad Reality of the Super Passionate Relationship

Nobody can forget a super passionate relationship or fling that had the makings of a Notebook-esque romance story.

You know, the type that feels like you’ve waited forever for and makes you feel things you didn’t know your jaded heart still could.

The super passionate relationship is usually one that begins on a major high.

It’s blissful, it’s intense, and, at a time when potential romantic partners are increasingly seen as options rather than humans, it feels refreshingly amazing.

It’s filled with text messages akin to old-fashioned love letters (peppered with soul-baring expressions of love that go way beyond the heart-shaped emoji), and playlists you could never get sick of. It’s the type that gives you that stupid perma-grin on your face that’s a dead giveaway that you’re shamelessly in love.

It’s the type that defines both “f*cking” and “lovemaking” in all of their raw, primal, and passionate glory.

So, really, it sounds like all you could ever want.

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The problem is that the super passionate relationship is pretty much a drug.

Maybe you make it four to six months in that sweet honeymoon stage without as much as a disagreement. But when things go wrong – and they will – it hurts like hell.

The only reason it feels so soul-sucking and horrible is, of course, because the high is so high – followed by an intense crash. And that crash can make you go a little crazy.

The problem is the only direction you can go is downward.

First of all, the real challenge of a new, insanely passionate relationship is the setting in of real-life. That’s because relationships involve the consideration of the three ‘Cs’: chemistry, connection, and compatibility.

The passionate relationship that begins on an ecstatic high is naturally heavy on the ‘chemistry’ and the ‘connection’. In fact, they’re so powerful that they can overtake your body and mind before you realize it and render all other aspects of your life temporarily insignificant (what job?).

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But an overload the first two ‘Cs’ doesn’t mean you’re right for the other person as a suitable life partner.

Obviously you need to be compatible through the good, bad, and super annoying of daily life long after the first “I love you” leaves your lips. But the chemistry and connection factors can so easily overpower and mask the whole compatibility element (which was fine in your early twenties, but not ideal if you seek something serious).

Arguments are especially brutal in the super passionate relationship compared to the others.

They’re usually a little (or a lot) more emotional and fiery than you’re used to and can give you a sense of anxiety absent from other areas in your life.

At best, they try your ability to be a sane, rational human.

You just care so much.

I've Had Enough
I’ve Had Enough

The passionate relationship can cause behaviour that you didn’t know you were capable of – and that you’re not especially proud of (as in, you wouldn’t even show your best friend those text messages).

You just can’t help yourself sometimes from wearing your heart on your keypad and hitting send on emotionally charged messages or calling back as soon as you hang up. You may say things you don’t mean. Some people simply have that maddening effect on you.

And no, it’s not an especially proud place to be.

Once the fights start to happen more frequently, the compatibility factor becomes impossible to ignore. You try to block it out; you revisit old pictures and text messages from happier days. You focus on that high. Because you miss it – you crave it. You’ve become addicted to it.

Often, after a tear-filled heart-to-heart and passionate make-up sex, you can get it back. At least, you do for a little while.

It’s wonderful, but it doesn’t last – and confronting that is the hardest part.

The super passionate relationship is difficult to quit. Even if you know it’s the wrong thing. The fact that it feels so damn good when you’re together justifies the suppression of those voices in your mind that tell you it’s just not right.

Like a drug addiction, you’ll probably have relapses that inevitably just reopen old wounds.

Some relationships are simply meant to live in that Neverland, short-lived fling stage. Real life can be a total buzzkill once it sets in and the ‘compatibility’ element becomes just as important as the ‘connection’ and the ‘chemistry’.

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That’s not to say that it’s impossible to have all three and live happily ever after. It’s just that the super passionate, insta-relationship seems to often lack the compatibility element once the shine wears off.

The breakup of the super passionate relationship can be one of the most challenging, heartbreaking things you’ve faced.

You find yourself crying during Uber rides, becoming one of those psycho social media stalkers (yikes) and anxiously wondering whether you’ll ever find as intense of a connection as that again. You may go on dates to distract your mind and feed your ego, but they just make you feel worse when the same impossible-to-find connection you had in the super passionate relationship has no chance of happening.

After all, it was such a rarity.

But maybe someone else is actually more compatible with you for the long haul if your vision includes the white picket fence and baby strollers.

Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that the mad, passionate, I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off stage isn’t always going to be as intense as it was within the first half a year of getting to know one another, anyway.

You may as well actually know how to get along.

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Erin Davis

Erin is a Toronto-based actor, writer and queen of the side hustle. When she’s not writing the day away in a face mask, she’s taking in the city’s vibrant arts scene, doing a red carpet interview or brunching with her leading ladies. Follow me: @erinnicoledavis