Normally we wouldn’t challenge The New York Times.
But they went ahead and wrote something stupid, so here we are.
A few days ago they put out an article entitled “27 Ways to be a Modern Man.” And it might just be the worst thing they’ve put out this year.
‘Cause according to the author, being a modern many today is “no different than it was a century ago,” and is all about “adhering to principle.”
Go ahead and see for yourself. You’ll find our notes below each point.
Final score as far as we’re concerned? A whopping 2 for 27…
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1. “When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.”
Why does the modern man have to be married to a she, anyway? And if he is, why doesn’t he have more productive things to spend his time on than becoming an expert in women’s footwear?
2. “The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.”
You just wrote that the modern man fakes it till he makes it. Slow. Clap.
3. “The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.”
Being a considerate person is definitely a worthy trait…but thinking about when to eat your popcorn during a movie seems more neurotic than anything else.
4. “The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.”
While I’m not one for wasting food, the modern gentleman isn’t a savage and is likely health-conscious. Meaning, he can cut the fat of his steak if he so decides. Or be a damn vegan if he wants to.
5. “The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.”
The modern man parks where he wants to park. He also has patience for the finer things, like a Costanza-worthy never-move parking place.
6. “Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.”
Is his family not smart enough to remember on their own? And why can’t his spouse do it? So the modern man is a babysitter?
7. “The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.”
The modern man drinks cola?
8. “The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say ‘helicopter,’ not ‘chopper’ like some gauche simpleton.
Get to tha’ Chopper. Always.
9. “Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.”
So the man without a daughter is less of a complete person? Good one, NYT.
10. “The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.”
This is just getting more and more ridiculous. Also, we’re pretty sure the modern man has a dishwasher.
11. “The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.”
Well, then, he doesn’t know what he (or his business) is missing.
12. “The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.”
Just, no. Not only he is he definitely not using Irish Spring, he’s also not tossing out a small bar – he’s too environmentally conscious for that.
13. “The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.”
We’re all for 90s hip-hop, but the modern man has probably moved on from his C.R.E.A.M days.
14. “The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.”
This is not a modern man, this is an old man.
15. “The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.”
Probably the point when the NYT should have asked itself for the third time, hmm, is this article actually a good idea?
16. “The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.”
Or, maybe, he’ll let his husband or super fit, more quick-thinking wife do the job. Just sayin’.
17. “Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?”
So, you’re saying he can cut his melon into works of art, but he can’t cut the charred bits or fat off his steak…
18. “The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.”
Why is the modern man so obsessed with the past?
19. “The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.” Fine. You get one, NYT. ONE.
20. “On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.”
Note to self: Only feel vulnerable during the night, never the day.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
Pieces of apple donut do not complete him.
22. “The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.”
Okay Tony Soprano, okay.
23. “The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).”
Especially Miami Vice. Classic.
24. “The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.”
So he’s not in real estate, media, sales, finance, parenting, or being responsible. Got it.
25. “The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.”
Okay, that’s two. But only cause very few people actually have a real use for a gun.
26. “The modern man cries. He cries often.”
How often is often? And is he only allowed to cry when he’s the “little spoon” or is there room to open up everywhere?
27. “People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.”
Thank god this list is over.
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