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All The Things You’ll Lie About Doing This Weekend So You Can Binge-Watch House of Cards

Admit it: a big red, white, and blue oval has circled tomorrow’s date on your calendar since February 11.

February 11, of course, is when you got a first glimpse of Season 4 of House of Cards and found out it’ll hit Netflix tomorrow, on March 4.

That means you’ve had just over three weeks to concoct the perfect arsenal of activities and #latergrams to sprinkle throughout this weekend in lieu of being straight up with your friends and followers that your cards are stacked with decomposing in front of a screen for 48 straight hours (well, 18 at least).

We assume that arsenal looks something like this…


1. “I went spinning, surfsetting, barring, and cirqueing all weekend”
If by that you mean spinning lies, surfing on your sofa, cirque-ling to and from the fridge, and barring any physical activity whatsoever, then yes, you are correct.

2. “I brunched with bae”
Brunch came to your front door in a box and, sure, you can be your own bae.

3. “I caught up on American politics”
Look, you’re not fooling anyone. The only reason you knew what happened on Super Tuesday is because it spawned a potential mass exodus to Canada – you sure as hell don’t care about what happens in Maine on Saturday. Though House of Cards is technically American politics, so it’s not a total lie.

4. “I started learning a new language”
Washington Speak is not formally recognized as one of the 6,500 spoken languages in the world today. But who needs formalities when you have Frank?

5. “I was washing my hair”
Ah, classic. This one goes all the way back to Saved By The Bell days. Be careful, though – even Kelly Kapowski couldn’t get away with this one forever…much like Zoe Barnes couldn’t get away from the wrath of Francis J. Underwood.

6. “I finally updated my social media profile”
A euphemism for tweeting ‘OMG did Claire actually just sleep with Doug!? #houseofcards #netflix #omg #canteven’. (Sorry for the spoiler if that actually does happen).

7. “I studied how government works”
Kind of true, given how politics South of the Border pretty much resemble House of Cards.

8. “I did something to step outside of my comfort zone”
If your comfort zone is being social, inhaling fresh air, and stimulating blood flow, then yes, you have certainly stepped outside of it this weekend.

9. “I caught up with some old friends”
Yes, the ones you last saw when House of Cards Season 3 wrapped up. (They don’t know you).

10.” The weather was bad so I mostly stayed in all weekend”
The weather forecast from coast to coast looks pretty reasonable this weekend, so that’s a lie. You did stay in, though.

11. “I applied for some jobs”
Googling “how to work in Congress” is the first of about a thousands steps between what you did this weekend and what you wish to accomplish with that search.


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